Friday, October 29, 2010

First, one has to torture by constantly going mad, the other, I'm just sad, and disappointed with the other.

I thought I could rely on him to take me out of this shit, I thought I wanted him to help me find who I am again, who I was when I was 17. But I guess, it was simply wishful thinking. He's more concerned with his current life, happily flirting away with the better sex, getting caught up with the ever so fulfilling schoolwork, wanting certain desires, horribly DISGUSTING. And I thought I could rely on someone who supposedly knew me better than anyone else. I guess I can't, it's absolutely horrendously DISGUSTING. I never thought one could become that different over a few years.

I hate opening up to others about my feelings deep down. Sure i may tell some closer frens what shit im going through, but deep down there's more, and I dont say. They think I'm always happy and cheerful. Really? Look harder. I hate everything the way it is now. I hate school, I hate some people around me, I hate him, and him. At home, I pretend to be okay. People that think they know whats going on, they have no fucking idea how much I've sacrificed and given up for that person that does nothing but hurts me, yet pretends to be some nice sweet guy infront of friends in fear of rejection.

I've made up my mind. Gone with him and him. I will get through this myself, despite me feeling like giving everything up. but i will fight it strong, I will learn never to think that I can depend on you. You will never understnad and I don't think you care.