Friday, October 29, 2010

Im losing it

Why do i feel like everything is just crumbling down.

First, one has to torture by constantly going mad, the other, I'm just sad, and disappointed with the other.

I thought I could rely on him to take me out of this shit, I thought I wanted him to help me find who I am again, who I was when I was 17. But I guess, it was simply wishful thinking. He's more concerned with his current life, happily flirting away with the better sex, getting caught up with the ever so fulfilling schoolwork, wanting certain desires, horribly DISGUSTING. And I thought I could rely on someone who supposedly knew me better than anyone else. I guess I can't, it's absolutely horrendously DISGUSTING. I never thought one could become that different over a few years.

I hate opening up to others about my feelings deep down. Sure i may tell some closer frens what shit im going through, but deep down there's more, and I dont say. They think I'm always happy and cheerful. Really? Look harder. I hate everything the way it is now. I hate school, I hate some people around me, I hate him, and him. At home, I pretend to be okay. People that think they know whats going on, they have no fucking idea how much I've sacrificed and given up for that person that does nothing but hurts me, yet pretends to be some nice sweet guy infront of friends in fear of rejection.

I've made up my mind. Gone with him and him. I will get through this myself, despite me feeling like giving everything up. but i will fight it strong, I will learn never to think that I can depend on you. You will never understnad and I don't think you care.

Posted by Brendy at 1:43 AM

Sunday, October 24, 2010

It really hurts me to see that you just don't seem to give a damn about anything. I guess I can understand, I'd have felt the same way too.. But, has everything been lost? All the memories?

Guess you prob think that I don't know what I want again, but fact is, I think I do know what I want. But seeing your nonchalance, I'm thinking twice. Perhaps it's time to close the possibility that I've had in my head for a few yrs now. I don't think I can or have the energy to keep up with you anyway. I'll give it awhile more, once I'm sure what I sense is right, I will close this possibility forever and never ever look back.

sometimes people get blinded by things, and fail to see that there's someone there that really treasures him/her be it as just frens, or more. but what can we do.

I will close the door, soon. It will be a pity i feel, but I guess that's what u want :)

This blog is getting more and more depressing! But I'm fine...

Posted by Brendy at 4:50 PM

Saturday, October 23, 2010

deja vu

this deja vu feeling.

4 years ago, i felt it. yes, no, yes, no? i thought it was a yes, people said maybe it's a no..

So i moved on.

Then half a year later, my suspicions were confirmed, it was a yes.

So anyway, deja vu, because I'm feeling the same way again. Sometimes you just want an answer. But you know that the answer doesn't just fall from no where. But do I have the courage to search for the answer? I don't know.

It shocks me to realise how apt that song is now. The song that , once held loads of meaning, and then lost its meaning and its back. for good? I don't know.

It takes certain experiences for you to realise what you really want in life. But, once you let certain things go, you might never get it back again, but is that fair? Perhaps it isnt, but I gotta live with it.

After all I did say, whatever's meant to be, is meant to be.

So I shall leave this to God. Lead me and guide me.